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Absurdity and Amateurism

My name is Javier, and I am retiring my pro status.
My name is Javier, and I am retiring my pro status.

It’s interesting writing something about bike polo, posting it on Facebook, and then going home to New Jersey for the holidays and having to explain why you enjoy inflicting so much pain on yourself to family members who barely know that you play bike polo.  And the one thing that is arguably more absurd than playing bike polo is spending time writing about it.

For the record bike polo is not that dangerous if you don’t want it to be. I might have given the wrong impression in my last post. Once you’re a proficient bike handler, you can avoid crashing or even dabbing pretty easily as long as you put safety first. Of course, in competition, we will compromise our own safety (and that of others) for the sake of winning. And even if you always take the safe road you still risk getting ninja balled or slipping on court debris from time to time. Or getting gooned out by some tattooed beardo with daddy issues. But for the most part you can make bike polo pretty easy on yourself if you want. Add a nice face mask and some pads and your risk of injury goes pretty far down.

Will you still get hurt? Yeah, but you can break your bones playing tennis, too. Or skiing. Or just slipping on the sidewalk. Better to stay on the couch playing video games, but then you’ll just die of heart failure, na’mean?
Still it’s salty to get hurt doing something silly. No one is paying us to play, after all. And bike polo is pretty silly in the scheme of things.

This is a rad knee brace. I want to tear my ACL just so I have some sweet new accessories.
This is a rad knee brace. I want to tear my ACL just so I have some sweet new accessories.

Speaking of doing something dangerous for no pay, I was watching a lot of college football over the holiday. I noticed almost all the linemen on the top teams are wearing custom DonJoy knee braces painted to match the school colors. A lot of wrist guards too. We need to get bike polo represented in the NCAA. Fuck, BBP’s court in Allston is right in the shadow of Harvard’s football stadium and we can’t get a fucking cent of that endowment loot? Gotta be kidding me.

The root of the word amateur is the Latin for lover. He who does a thing for the love of it. Here at BBP we decided as a club to retire the term “pro”. It had come to stand for too much perhaps. The distinction between the top players and the rest. Created tensions between veterans and rookies. Every rigged mallet shuffle became a slight to one pro or another. Pro night is for pros only. Get a pro bike. Go pro. $60 mallets, etc.

It was about time we stopped pretending to be pros. We are a bunch of sorry amateurs. That’s fine though. All are welcome to join us.

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A Polo Player’s Wishlist

Merry Christmas or Happy Festivus or Have a Pleasant Whatever-You-Celebrate! I know it’s relatively dreary outside, but that’s ok. It’s just another reason to catch up on polo content such as Mr Do Video and Lancaster Polo and all the other great polo blogs and archives out there. You cannot deny that it is a wonderful life as long as you’re giving and getting some dank presents from the people you care about. Don’t worry about eating too much glazed Christmas ham or drinking too many winter warmers or crushing too many Christmas cookies; there’s always New Year’s Eve for making resolutions (and subsequently sabotaging yourself at every opportunity).

Here’s a short list of things on my holiday wishlist:

Looks like Santa can really kick it on a polo bike. I wonder which mallet shafts he uses: Creamy, Fixcraft, Northern Standard, or Modifide?

I guess I don’t really need much of anything else. If you think I left something important and necessary off my list, please let me know in the comments section. But really, I’m just thankful for my friends and family and I hope all of you protect your ligaments and scaphoids so we can get back to what is REALLY meaningful: scoring goals.

You guys, Let’s Never Forget This Christmas. -ZS

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Happy Holidaze from BBP

Let's see Nick Kruse try this shit out and spartan kick someone in the forehead.
Let’s see Nick Kruse try this shit out. Spartan kick someone in the forehead, or stone cold stun someone over the boards.

From all of us in Boston, take it easy this week. We know that you will probably have to explain to your family members why your knees and elbows are covered in mysterious cuts and bruises. My advice? Make something up involving an interracial gang fight and/or subsequently rescuing stray cats from a fire. And don’t stress out about buying presents; if you haven’t bought anything for anyone yet, don’t freak out– just get them a gift certificate to the nearest Olive Garden and cross someone special off your list. 

December can be a tough time for bikers. Snow and salt on the ground, rain in your hair weighing heavy on your heart. Find a way to get some exercise: shovel your court, go on a run, join a polar bear swim club. Keep your blood pumping, so that when you get back on the court in March you won’t pop an artery.

Also I want to wish a very special Happy Birthday to Tyler Paul Farris, a Boston Bike Polo warrior-poet (currently on the disabled list with a busted shoulder #sadface). This kid knows how to have fun. Look, here he is spitting corn in my face:

Is that an ear of corn or are you just happy to see me? Best Friends Forever: The Holy Ghosts
Is that an ear of corn or are you just happy to see me? Best Friends Forever: The Holy Ghosts

All I’m saying is, if you know Tyler, reach out and tell him to sext you a picture of a smiling ghost.

And again, Happy Holidaze! -ZS

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Taking Advantage of the Offseason

As if you need to read more Lancaster articles about what amateurs we polokins are of not having our shit together (“THANKS” MATT, see here and here … but this time not sarcastically: thanks), but srsly, lets face it: most polo clubs could be a bit more organized. Boston Bike Polo is no exception. We’re lucky to have a solid crew of people coming out to pick-up, and a sizable core that is dedicated to advancing the club in our city and in the Eastside region. And I’m proud to report that we are doing a pretty good job so far of taking advantage of the offseason to further our club and plan for the upcoming year (this may be premature, because lets be real – it’s barely December).

In that spirit, here is my (ideal) list of what every polo club should do this offseason.*

  1. Have a club meeting. Talk about what your club wants to accomplish in 2014 and how you’re going to do it. Maybe even hold elections for different positions in the club. In fact, polo elections are the only form of democracy where your vote really matters – we had a three-way tie here in Boston for one cabinet position – it then became a 3-man committee. Now that’s democracy at work. And as an added bonus, you can give people some time to ‘campaign’ and see what unfolds. It’ll be guaranteed to be hilarious.

    SONY DSC
    And take copious notes so you can remember what you decided for your offseason in the first place. Sometimes we’re a little too 420 friendly and stuff falls through the cracks ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
  2. Do some court maintenance and clean-up. Before the snow falls (… BBP might have missed this deadline…) spend some time cleaning up the area around your court. Maybe even snap some pictures and make a big deal to your local park and rec department about what a nice, upstanding group of citizens you are. This way when you submit applications for permits for the tournaments you planned (see step #1), they’ll be all ‘oh wow! It’s those nice bike polo folks! We should totally grant them a permit. In fact, they’re so nice we’re not even going to charge them!’ (LULZ)
  3. Speaking of which, do us all a favor and post the dates of your tourneys now. This way we can all book tickets and see a light at the end of these dark, cold, polo-less nights.
  4. Be jealous of everyone who is going to play hott polo at the tournament in San Juan. Fuck you, you fucking fucks.
  5. Talk to shops and other bike organizations in your area about sponsorship and support. Not only could you potentially get a discount on parts for your bikes, but you’re also building relationships that are helpful when you want prizes for a tournament later in the year or a permit from the city. I think the whole bike polo community can benefit from these types of relationships.
  6. Have knife fights all the time.
  7. GET A NEW BIKE

*I agree that there is no real offseason if you bleed polo (like we do in Boston)– but we all gotta admit that we play less when the nights are wicked cold and it gets dark at 3:30pm. As humans, we have a natural inclination to hibernate and spend less time on the courts, so we can spend more time buffing up our collective organization game and our club’s treasury and “emergency” funds (i.e. escapist Hockey Town subsidary fund). -CF

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Welcome to the Eastside, Vermont!

Steal your polo

Our very fine friends in Vermont, the Burlington Bike Polo Club, have been officially added to the Eastside Region. The NAH board gathered in Detroit at their secret polo chamber late Monday night and voted to approve nine revisions to the current regional boundaries. The Eastside Region now extends to the same boundaries us New Englanders have held dear since the Treaty of Paris.

New Regions
New Regions

 

Burlington Bike Polo was once considered a “Farm Team”. Now, however, they have been given an opportunity to join ranks of Eastside clubs such as Richmond, VA, New York, NY and Philadelphia, PA who are some of the most revered clubs in all of Hardcourt Polo. Colin of Burlington says “we can bring more numbers to tournaments WITH players from nearby cities”. By nearby he means “in the United States” because those who aren’t allowed into Canada have been effectively banned from the Northside. We look forward to seeing Burlington show what they’ve got this upcoming season!

Burlington circa 2010
Burlington circa 2010

Boston Bike Polo would like to extend a warm welcome the friendliest, iriest, and all around awesome folks this side of Lake Champlain. Come play pickup with us soon!

VT Bike Polo at ESPI 4 in Boston, 2009
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Disc Brakes: Don’t Let Your Bike Stop You

The mechanics of disc brakes are pretty impressive.
The mechanics of disc brakes are pretty impressive.

Mother Nature decided to dump a load of snow on us in Boston this weekend, and since my polo bike is the only bike I have with disc brakes (i.e. brakes that are functional in the snow), out of necessity I started riding it around town. It’s such a comfortable ride, I doubt that I’ll go back to my single speed commuter. Someone mentioned that trying to convince everyone to switch to disc brakes is “such a 2011 thing to do,” but I think it is worth repeating: disc brakes are awesome.

The most enduring sound byte that has come out of Boston Bike Polo in my time has been the adage, “GET A NEW BIKE!” And while that generally rings true (people are still playing on shitty old steel road bikes), the only update to my stallion that I really felt was worth the price of admission was a disc brake. All the pros have them.  I’ve been through four polo bikes, and I could go down the list and explain how each one went from assembled to demolished, but I don’t want to bore you.  Your internet minutes are valuable, and you have porn open in other browser tabs— don’t worry, I understand.  Suffice it to say, I destroyed many bikes in a spectacular fashion. The one thing that could have ultimately saved me a lot of money and time was a system of proper brakes.

Now, I’m not saying you should go out and buy a new disc fork and an Avid BB7, but I can say with some authority that it would be the best money you’ll ever spend upgrading your piece of shit bike.  The advantages are innumerable, and the most important one is stopping power.  I am 200 lbs. and I can stop on a goddamn dime.  Fuck it, I could stop on any currency you put in front of me.  My disc brake makes me a better biker and a better polo player.  I can do more maneuvering with less momentum, and when it rains my brakes are still as sticky as maple syrup on your fingers at IHOP (except in this case, it’s desirable).

Would you try this with a tektro caliper brake? That would be fucking terrifying!
[Click on pic above to watch .gif] Would you try this with a tektro caliper brake? That would be fucking terrifying! This famous .gif does more for disc brakes than Avid’s copywriting team ever could.
I don’t know that I would ever go back to caliper brakes, and I don’t care which brand it is, they wouldn’t be as reliable as my disc brake.  That would like being upgraded to first class from coach, and then being told halfway through the flight that you have to get up from your heated blanket, put down your complementary champaign, and sit between two morbidly obese garbagemen with glandular issues and uncontrollable flatulence.  Caliper brakes just can’t stop me as fast or as soundly as my current setup, and a brake arm would certainly slam into my downtube when I jack-knife.  And really, when all is said and done, the only thing I want from a brake is a consistent and reliable deceleration.

I will grant you that V-brakes have their appeal, especially when your front and rear are paired up with a dual lever.  You can skid and slide, which can be useful skills if you have good balance.  Tobi uses this setup with great success; despite having a knee that was ripped to shreds and repaired with rubber cement and play dough, he’s very fast and super agile.  I just hate thinking that a V-brake is so reliant on having wheels that are very straight and true, which mine rarely are due to my playing “style.” I don’t care how many spokes you have, rims are still made of aluminum, and nothing lasts forever in polo.

Javier's setup: Fixcraft 48h disc hub, Velvet fork, Avid BB7, L'Esperance BonerGuard (w/ speed holes)
Javier’s setup (similar to mine): Fixcraft 48h disc hub, Velvet fork, Avid BB7, A L’Esperance BonerGuard (w/ speed holes)

Having sung all these praises for disc brakes, I will admit that the price could be a prohibiting factor for some people.  When I switched to a disc brake setup, I had to buy a new fork, a new hub, rim and spokes, and the BB7.  It took several months of scrimping, saving, and eating ramen noodles to pay for the parts and labor, but it instantly upped my game.  And I will admit the most infuriating thing about the Avid BB7: the red knob that controls the distance of the pad from the rotor– it gets lost constantly.  There is no replacement knob, only sadness.  The pad spacing is still adjustable, but it requires needle nose pliers and patience. Besides that, there are very few maintenance issues with the brake.

 

I’ll leave you with this thought: bike polo is a game of speed and quickness.  Decisions are made with a hair trigger, and you have to have the equipment to match your reflexes and reaction time.  Acceleration and deceleration are crucial, and you don’t want the weather to slow you down.  If you really want to take the game seriously, get a new bike– just make sure the new fork has disc mounts. -ZS

 

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50 Shades of Ruben – Volume 10

AMigos, I am especially honored to have been able to present to you the 10th Volume of 50 Shades of Ruben.  Much to our surprise, (and we are very proud to say), there weren’t even 10 different bikes to document this past season.  Fortunately for you, we’ve got a backlog of jah-knows-how-many episodes just waiting to be oogled over by the infinite cybernet.

The mallet craftsmanship coming out of our favorite polo guru has been simply exquisite. In this episode we see a Shogun that has been spotted at Boston Bike Polo only a handful of times. It is rumored to be lurking in Medford somewhere. You will see it is carefully rigged with a dual-pull lever, and a shiny new rear wheel.  The fresh braking setup was adorned with an equally impressive new mallet.  Complete with a  hitting surface and grip borrowed from a crutch, and adorned with a rad-cap this baby is held together by what was left of a ski pole basket. The following may warp you’re outlook on polo forevermore.

 

The Shogun
The Shogun
The Fresh Wheel
The Fresh Wheel
Doublely braked
Doublely braked
Dank Combo
Dank Combo
Jam it in
Jam it in
Some cripple somewhere is missing his crutch
Some cripple somewhere is missing his crutch
Rad Caps gon BLAZE UP
Rad Caps gon BLAZE UP
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Philly One-Day A/B Tourney

TipTop Playground: where dreams are born and prompty killed. photo: @bearcat2004
TipTop Playground: where dreams are born and prompty killed.
photo: @bearcat2004

The Saturday after Thanksgiving Alan, Mars and I began the drive down to Philly to meet up with Zac to represent Boston Bike Polo at the one day Philly A/B tournament. After casserole at Mars’ parents house, too many hours on the New Jersey Turnpike, and failed attempts at eating baklava while driving, we arrived Saturday afternoon just in time to participate in judging Lori and Tucker’s chilli cook-off at the court (Lori won- duh).

To my surprise, Philly is such a polo court blessed city that when we arrived at the predetermined location, and the lights never came on, Drew rode to another court across town to find us an alternative spot for Saturday night pick-up. And though that court was slick as fuck, it also had beautifully curved boards, was the perfect size, and located under a highway exchange. We played some awesome pick-up as folks trickled in from Richmond, DC, New York, and other East Coast towns, until we finally shut it down after someone may or may have not broken their nose faceplanting trying to pick up their mallet (but he played the rest of the game like a champ).

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You know… just some “art” n polo n cool light n stuff.
photo: IG @alanotallen

The cool thing about a one-day A/B tournament, is that everyone gets what they want: “A-class” slayers get a high intensity one-day gig playing good games, and “B” players get a chance to have more evenly matched (and arguably more fun) games all day. And after this awesome one-day single elim tournament, I may be a single elim convert. We got in 5 or 6 rounds of swiss rounds before we began the elimination bracket, meaning the seedings were pretty accurate, and just about every team got to play each other. Then the elim bracket went pretty fast, but each game was higher intensity because everyone knew it was sudden death. I often feel like teams don’t really begin to try hard until they’re in the losers bracket – and single elim eliminates that nonsense. But I’m just thinking out loud.

Mars, Alan and David (Lancaster) played awesome and came in second in the B bracket (fuck the A bracket, have no idea what went on there) losing to Puff Puff Pass from Lancaster in the finals. Zac, Jackie from NYC, and myself formed team Sparkle Motion and also lost to Puff Puff Pass in the semi’s. Let me just say that if I hadn’t BROKEN MY WRIST in the semi’s, and finished the game more or less stationary in goal on said broken wrist (in golden goal OT might I add!), we totes would have been in the final. JUST SAYIN’. I chipped the hamate bone in my wrist as a result of putting my mallet under my own front wheel going full speed, like a chump. I didn’t even realize my wrist hurt so goddamn much because I’d knocked the wind out of myself and was more concentrated on trying to reinflate my lungs (it’s actually the smallest, lamest injury ever in the history of bike polo). Point being, Puff Puff Pass – we’ll see you again, and next time we will not be denied victory!

xrayedit
At least I’m using my extra time to venture into more serious ‘photo editing.’ : )

The finals ended with only enough daylight left for Mars to get out the rest of his caffeinated energy in two pick-up games, before we packed up the car with an additional passenger – Graham from New Haven – and drove back to Boston. We avoided the New Jersey Turnpike mostly on principle, and because it was the Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend and we’re not complete idiots. And even though the whole adventure took less than 41 hours, and I (kinda) broke my wrist, it was still worth it for the fun road trip, vegan coffee shops, and laid back tournament. -CF

Sparkles be sparklin' on team Sparkle Motion! photo: @bearcat2004
Sparkles be sparklin’ on team Sparkle Motion!
photo: @bearcat2004